Troublemaker in Training

UNCLOTHED BATTLEFIELD

a play By Rachel McKay May 5, 2010

CHARACTERS

MARIANNE JONES – 19, a college student

PETER ROTH – 21, an army recruiting officer

JIM CAVEWALL – 26, underground leader

ANDREW CLEARLY – 28, underground leader

SGT. DASH – 30, commanding officer (offstage, voiced by ANDREW)

TIME May 1970, Night

PLACE A motel room near an army recruitment center, Anywhere, USA

(At rise, we see a slightly darkened motel room. The room is empty and typical of a low-budget, middle American roadside motel: bed, television, bad paintings. There is a light streaking straight across from a window on one side of the room. A sound is heard of jangling keys and a struggle with the door. A man and woman enter the room, the man turns on the light.)

(The woman crosses to a table, sets down the room keys, turns to her companion, eyeing him. She is young, dressed conservatively, but sports extremely long, unkempt dark brown hair. Her companion towers over her physically, and is dressed in army dress uniform.)

MARIANNE

Want a smoke?

PETER

Sure.

(She hands him a cigarette. They both light up. She starts taking off her coat.)

PETER (taking her coat)

Here, let me get that.

(He drops her coat on the floor and starts kissing her.)

MARIANNE (pulling away slightly)

Hey, not so fast, loverboy. Can I finish my smoke first?

PETER (unbuttoning his uniform)

I only wanted to...

MARIANNE

...I know. I just don't want to burn that... handsome... uniform of yours.

PETER

You're tricky, do you know that?

MARIANNE

I'm just not ready yet. Take it easy, soldier.

PETER

I can take it off, if you'd like.

MARIANNE

Mmmm. I would like that. Hey, give me just a sec, will ya?

PETER

Damn girls and their primping.

MARIANNE

Errr... yes. That's it. I need a girl moment. And to finish this cigarette. I'll be back before you know it, loverboy.

PETER

Okay. I'll wait right here. I might just get started without you...

MARIANNE

(rolling her eyes)

I'll be right back.

(She crosses into the bathroom. As she turns on the light, another part of the stage is also lit, revealing two young men standing together behind a table staring at a device. She closes the bathroom door and crouches down a bit, speaking into a radio.)

MARIANNE

Chucksteak, this is Bouncing Betty, over.

JIM

Chucksteak to Bouncing Betty, you with Romeo?

MARIANNE

Affirmative. This shouldn't take long. He's been pawing me all night. You deliver the cherry?

JIM

Negative. We hit a big snag. Keep him busy. We'll keep you posted.

MARIANNE

A snag? It's just a simple boom job. Did someone spot you?

JIM

No, we're just getting the clock to stop with the false starts.

ANDREW

Yeah, you know, Betty, our damn pipe bomb's being a cocktease.

MARIANNE

What happened?

ANDREW

Nothing to worry your pretty head about, Betty. Just keep bouncing on that Johnny Romeo and we'll take care of it. We'll radio when we're done.

MARIANNE

Thanks for nothing, moron.

ANDREW

We'll radio when we're done, Bouncing Betty. Goodbye now.

MARIANNE

Fuck you. Over and out.

(JIM and ANDREW laugh. Lights go down on both bathroom and table. MARIANNE emerges from the bathroom to an almost undressed PETER.)

PETER

You done with your cigarette?

MARIANNE

Affirmative. I mean, yeah. It's kind of cold in here, may I turn on the heat before I get undressed?

PETER

Whatever you want.

MARIANNE

(stepping over to radiator)

Thanks.

PETER

You still not ready?

MARIANNE

I'm ready. I'm just cold.

PETER

But you're all the way over there, sweetcakes.

MARIANNE

I know.

PETER

Why don't you come sit over here next to...

MARIANNE

(interrupting)

… why don't you dance with me a bit to warm me up?

PETER

Okay. I'll dance with you. But I thought you wanted to have a bit of fun.

(MARIANNE turns on some music)

MARIANNE

I do. I'm just cold. See? I'm warming up already.

PETER

Then why is that dress still covering your sexy body?

MARIANNE

I'll just have to take it off then. It's getting really warm in here.

(She starts taking off her dress as they move together.)

PETER

That's much better.

MARIANNE

Why don't we go to the bed now?

PETER

Good idea.

(They linger for a bit at the edge of the bed. He touches her hair almost distractedly throughout the pause. She pulls away.)

MARIANNE

Y'know, I've been watching you for a long time.

PETER

You've been watching me? You mean, in this room?

MARIANNE

No, around town. You kind of fascinate me.

PETER

How so?

MARIANNE

You just seem more... with it. Like you know what's down.

PETER

Are we going to talk, or are we going to fuck?

MARIANNE

I'm just admiring you, is all.

PETER

It's okay, it's just, god, I want you so bad right now...

MARIANNE

Then take me.

PETER

For real this time? No jive? Please?

MARIANNE

No jive this time. I want you to fuck me.

(Lights go down over the hotel room. Lights come up over the table section of the stage. JIM and ANDREW are crouched down facing away

from each other, leaning over radios.)

JIM

Chucksteak to Captain Calamity, over.

ANDREW

Chucksteak, this is Captain Calamity. Dropping the cherry. Wait for the boom.

JIM

T minus thirty and counting.

ANDREW

Affirmative. Right on.

JIM

So what's the story with the Betty?

ANDREW

You mean the skirt?

JIM

Yeah. Why did she sign up for this?

ANDREW

I dunno, maybe she's more hip to the revolution than we thought.

JIM

No, why did she sign up to fuck G.I. Joe?

ANDREW

We had to keep him busy somehow. I mean, we are incinerating his office.

JIM

What a shame. That poor sap.

ANDREW

Hundreds of thousands of draft records up in a puff of smoke as soon as this little timer goes to zero.

JIM

All for the revolution! Boom goes the dynomite!

ANDREW

But we're not heartless, we didn't want to kill an innocent pig. No casualties, no prisoners.

JIM

Well, she's, ah, taking her post very seriously, I imagine.

ANDREW

Sure. She's whoring for the cause.

JIM

You shut your piehole, soldier. What the hell's your problem?

ANDREW

It's nothing.

JIM

You know she's crucial to the operation, asshole. You're just jealous.

ANDREW

Hey, man, I guess you could say that on the unholy battlefield against the swine of imperialism, not all wars are waged with guns.

JIM

Yeah, just most of 'em.

ANDREW

She's just fighting with her clothes off.

JIM

While the unsexy among our ranks do the gunning.

ANDREW

Or, in our case, homemade bombs and Molotov cocktails. Some glamorous shit.

JIM

Just doing our part to crumble the institution brick by brick.

ANDREW

You ever think sometimes that maybe it's just not working, man?

JIM

What's not working?

ANDREW

This goddamn revolution. We're not waking anybody up, we're just making the pigs paranoid as hell.

JIM

Maybe they should be paranoid.

ANDREW

It's just... we keep preaching that we're out to totally disrupt the very fabric of this society, out to smash this social order and all that bullshit. But the social order keeps smashing us.

JIM

Not this again, damn it!

ANDREW

We're blowing up parks and raiding universities.

JIM

Very expensive capitalist parks and universities.

ANDREW

There's nothing to be said that we haven't already said.

JIM

Every time, man, every time we blow something up, we let those pigs know that we are solid and united.

ANDREW

We don't fuck around.

JIM

We're just building our army to bring the war home.

ANDREW

Yeah, yeah. This time it's something big, though. Real big.

JIM

Real big. Fucking huge. They wake up tomorrow, Johnny's not going off to war.

ANDREW

No, sir.

JIM

(singing)

Walk on your tiptoes
Don’t try “No-Doz”
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You don’t need a weatherman
To know which way the wind blows

(Blackout on JIM and ANDREW)

MARIANNE

Have you ever been high?

(Lights up on motel room. PETER AND MARIANNE are sitting across from each other on the bed, both wrapped in bed sheets.)

PETER

Yeah, we used to get high in 'Nam all the time. It's what kept us in that god forsaken jungle.

MARIANNE

Not this kind of high, I bet you haven't. This makes all that feel like eating candy.

PETER

What is it?

MARIANNE

You'll see the entire universe spin past you. It's amazing. It opens up your very soul.

PETER

(examines drug)

Why do they look like sugar cubes?

MARIANNE

Because it shoots you to the moon.

PETER

Okay, then, let me try one.

(He takes drug, then leans in to kiss MARIANNE again. He opens his eyes quickly and pulls back away from her. He starts touching her hair.)

I've been watching you too.

MARIANNE

What do you mean?

PETER

You said you'd been watching me. I knew who you are for a long time.

MARIANNE

Errr... I'm still not sure what you mean.

PETER

You go to Charlie Miller University. You play in the orchestra. I watch you play.

MARIANNE

Oh. Wow. Yeah, you have been watching me. That's odd.

PETER

You wait tables at a place downtown.

MARIANNE

Also true.

PETER

You remind me of this girl I used to know.

MARIANNE

I do?

PETER

Yeah. Except your tits are way bigger.

MARIANNE

(looking down, laughing)

Thanks.

PETER

She was a girl who lived in 'Nam. She had your eyes and hair. Well, sort of. She had slanted eyes.

MARIANNE

Had?

PETER

She's gone now. Long gone.

MARIANNE

Oh, wow. You mean...

PETER

Yeah. I'm about to go back in that hellhole in a couple of months. I just don't fucking care anymore. About this war. About my life.

MARIANNE

I hate this war. Imperialist bullshit is what it is.

PETER

That's not really what I meant.

MARIANNE

Don't tell me you really like all this senseless violence?

PETER

Sure as fuck. I get paid to kill people? It's a rush!

MARIANNE

I think I should be going now...

PETER (suddenly laying his head in her lap)

The drugs were the best, though. I remember one guy who would get us opium from the village. We mixed it with our rations and flew all day. We did some fucked up shit on it, though.

MARIANNE (trying to crawl out from underneath him)

I don't think you should be telling me this.

PETER

It's no sweat, really. I remember going into this rice paddy once, and just shooting up a bunch of farmers. Kill anything that moves, we were told.

MARIANNE

That's really sick.

PETER

Isn't it, though? We got souvenirs off them, strung 'em up like lights at Christmas.

MARIANNE

How could you do something like that?

PETER

Don't you think they deserved it?

MARIANNE (putting her clothes on)

You don't really mean that.

PETER

I do too. I... wow, this stuff is really starting to work.

MARIANNE

Good. You starting to float?

PETER

Yeah. I'm floating away, sweetcakes. You better catch me.

MARIANNE (aside)

Wow, now I know you're really high.

(She crosses to the bathroom)

PETER (laughing)

Mhpohffflunkf. Ha ha that's funny.

(Lights back up on bathroom and table area.)

MARIANNE

Chucksteak, this is Bouncing Betty.

JIM

Bouncing Betty, this is Chucksteak. What the hell do you want?

MARIANNE (broadly)

I just wanted to inform you that Private Roth and I have had a smashing time and I would like to know when you plan on starting the fireworks.

ANDREW

We're at T-minus 25 now. Did you really have a good time, Bouncing Betty? Did you fuck him real hard? Did you give him a good one for us?

MARIANNE

Not that it's any of your business, soldier, but yes. And now he's high as a kite and will have no idea what happened to his precious office until tomorrow morning. Your welcome, men.

JIM

Thank you, Betty.

MARIANNE

He's a real whack job, though. I'm about to cut out.

ANDREW

Not having fun with Romeo anymore? Aw...

MARIANNE

Over and out, assholes.

(Lights come down on bathroom and up on motel room.)

PETER

What did you put in this stuff?

MARIANNE

I didn't. Some friend of a friend did. It's called LSD. I only do it when I can trip all day with no one to bug me.

(She steps toward the door. He absentmindedly blocks her exit.)

PETER

Is it weird that I see lights?

MARIANNE

Not at all. Your mind's expanding. You'll hear colors too.

PETER

I hear something, all right.

MARIANNE

Then it's working.

PETER

Yeah? I like it. I can almost see my real hand now.

MARIANNE

Your real hand?

PETER

Yeah. I chopped off the other one in the war. Didn't need it any more. It was slowing me down. I charred the damn thing when I zapped a Viet Cong.

MARIANNE

You're lying.

PETER

Sargent Dash went ape when I showed him.

MARIANNE

I don't believe you.

PETER

No, I really did. Feel right there. All plastic.

MARIANNE

You're a twisted fucker.

PETER(grabbing her shoulder)

I may be a twisted fucker, but you liked it.

MARIANNE

Let go of me!

PETER (pushing her towards the bed)

You wanted it so bad.

MARIANNE

What the fuck are you talking about?

PETER

You're a fucking slut, Ha^ng Yen!

MARIANNE

Who's Ha^ng Yen?

PETER

You'd fuck any man who'd give it to you, wouldn't you? You like it when they fuck you. That's why.

MARIANNE (pushing him away, onto the bed)

Why what? What the hell is wrong with you?

PETER (laying, motionless)

I feel sick.

MARIANNE

You're having a bad trip. This is insane.

PETER

Don't tell me what's insane, Ha^ng Yen. I know what's insane.

MARIANNE

I'll get you some water.

PETER

I got the taste of blood in me. The more I kill, the more I fly. I can't. I won't...

(MARIANNE returns from the bathroom with a glass of water and her radio, which she is trying to stash in her dress. PETER pulls out his gun from his uniform, approaches her and absentmindedly knocks the glass out of her hand, not realizing where he is.

MARIANNE

What the hell?

PETER

Where did you go, Ha^ng Yen? I couldn't find you.

MARIANNE

You're sick. There is no Ha^ng Yen.

(She tries to open the door. He slams it shut.)

PETER

Things weren't the same after you died. But I had to.

(MARIANNE runs around the bed, struggles to open the window.)

PETER

I had to. I followed you into the woods. You let them fuck you, you dirty whore.

MARIANNE

Who is Ha^ng Yen?

PETER

When I killed them all, you were the only one left. You did a bad thing, Ha^ng Yen. You made me do it. You made me.

MARIANNE

Get the fuck away from me!

(A knock on the door is heard. MARIANNE runs towards the door, PETER blocks her exit. PETER'S attention turns away from the door, although his body seems bolted in place. The sound of the knock changes into a thud, and the wall next to the door seems to move and throb)

SGT. DASH

On your feet, soldier! You're caught with your pants down again!

PETER

But, sir! Sgt. Dash, I was just...

SGT. Dash

You're a disgrace to this man's army! You're a fucking coward! You let your guard down. They got us this time!

PETER

Yes sir!

SGT Dash

I want to see you in my tent at 0600 hours! Wash the damn blood off your face!

(MARIANNE struggles with the door, finally wrenching it open from PETER. He turns to her, struggles again trying to pull her back inside. Her radio clicks on.)

JIM

T minus two minutes! Captain Calamity, get ready for liftoff!

MARIANNE

No! No, no, no, no no!

PETER

You fucking slut! You betrayed me!

MARIANNE (running to window)

No, I didn't mean...

PETER

You did this! It's all your fault!

(PETER shoots MARIANNE in the leg. MARIANNE screams)

MARIANNE

No! Please! I'm sorry!

PETER

It's too late for sorry, Ha^ng Yen.

(MARIANNE opens the window, though panicking and bleeding . She climbs through. He aims the gun at his own head. The stage goes black as PETER pulls the trigger. A thud is heard over the darkened stage. A

pause, then bright light pours through the window, and the sound of an explosion.)

JIM

Kablooie!

ANDREW

God damn, that's beautiful. Bright burning imperialism.

JIM

Chucksteak, over and out.

(Full Blackout)

THE END